People Pleasing

Somewhat of a newly coined phrase going around out there in the therapy world is the concept of people pleasing. 

What is it really though? Is it just the need or the desire to do things for others and make people we love happy? Or is it more deeply rooted than that? My perspective is the later, as people pleasing is a lot more complicated than just wanting to do nice things for people we care about. 

I am of the opinion that people pleasing is a form of self-betrayal that comes from the chronic need for others to approve of us. If we grew up in an environment where we were criticized, put down, or only shown love when we performed (got good grades, achieved high marks in activities or athletics) we learn that the only way to feel good about ourselves is to have other people TELL us we are “good”. 

Where do you ask does people pleasing come into play? The more we do for others, the more they tend to like us. The nicer we are, the more agreeable we are, the more we give, the more we are seen as likeable and held in others minds this way. An example of this is going above and beyond to do things for other people (even when not reciprocated), always having to be the one who people call when they need something (even when you feel drained), being the first to volunteer for something (even when you don’t want to).  It is often a betrayal of our own needs and wants. We end up draining our physical and emotional energy on others, and having nothing left to give to ourselves. This is not sustainable and leads to resentment. People pleasing is EXHAUSTING. Additionally, it sends a message to others about how we want to be treated. We are literally showing others that we will go above and beyond for them even if it means sacrificing our well-being. 

The good news is addressing the underlying reasons we people please, can help us to limit this behavior. Therapy gives space to understand our behaviors and why we do them, so if we want to change we know how to do that and still get our needs met.